Funny for the day

Someone sent this to me, and I laughed out loud. Erin... look out. This is your neck of the woods. ;) One or two may be a little distasteful, but I can't help myself. I needed this today.


For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
> They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween
> comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
> Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster
> named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment
> and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
> assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili
> wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
> free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards
> from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
>
>
> Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the heck is this stuff?! You could remove
> dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the
> flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
>
>
> Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
> when they saw the look on my face.
>
>
> Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
> my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed
> from all of the beer...
>
>
> Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish,
> or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
> barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman
> is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
> chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>
> Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead,
> and I can no longer focus my eyes. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
> that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
> bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
> I'm burning my
> lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
> stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
>
> Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic. Superb.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
> worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand
> behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>
>
> Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
> worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he
> is cursing uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
> chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy,
> they'll know what
> killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful.
> I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
> Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild,
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,
> passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of
> himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how
> he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
>